8 Things That are Literally the Worst

For fun, I posted an article on Buzzfeed and it ended up making a pretty big splash, getting promoted to the front page and receiving 190,000 views so far.  TOTALLY CRAZY.  Who knew?! Anyway, here it is in its second home, Tinamelt.

1. People who take up more than one seat on the subway.

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That person looks angry/crazy/not in the mood. You value your seated zoning out time, but you value your life more.

2. Missing important plot points in the beginning of a movie.

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Assuming the previews will run long, you decide to get those peanut m&m’s you deserve. Unfortunately, this theatre’s showtime is when the actual film starts. WHY?

3. Pouring the shampoo out a second time instead of the conditioner.

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What a waste of money. As one of the 99%, you’ve got two choices: Double shampooing or trying to suck it back into the bottle/smear it into the inside of the cap. You can try and salvage the shampoo, but neither option will salvage your frustration.

4. Not realizing your purple wine lips until way later.

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What kind of friends are these? Either no one noticed or you’re hanging out with the wrong crowd. True friends tell friends when they’ve got wine mouth.

5. Your friend passing out before you can get their wifi password.

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It’s going to be something silly and you’re not going to be able to guess it. Just go to sleep.

6. Catcalling.

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Because a woman really wants to know that she looks desirable while walking home alone on a mostly empty street.

7. Dogs and babies who don’t care about you.

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All you want to do is play with them and they don’t want to play with you.

8. Summer colds.

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NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. SUMMER COLDS ARE THE WORST.

As an editor’s note addressing my first experience with crazy commenters, I do of course understand that these are first world problems and there are bigger things going on in the world.  It’s just a silly article for goodness sake!

Fwenz

friends

Wowie, has this summer been something else.  Jam packed full of goodies.  Every weekend has been an adventure.  For the Fourth of July, a bunch of us went to a friend’s beach house and had a silly good time drinking, swimming, and laughing.  Oh boy was there a lot of laughing!  I started drawing up a little comic of some of the funny things that happened, that I’d like to finish before the summer’s out but in the mean time I drew a smaller tribute to my new and old pals.

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Creepy Runner

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Maybe I’m jumpy, but I swear, night runners freak me the hell out.  In their spandex gear and knee high socks, running to the beat of some dance hit, what are you doing? What kind of person runs up behind someone after dark and not expect to be maced or elbowed in the face?  I’ve found myself multiple times ready for the worst to happen only for it to be a stupid runner.  One of these days I will get my revenge and they’ll learn.  Oh, they’ll learn.

Originally posted on MOONCHEEZ, but recently animated.

Shapewear in the Real World

As a young woman who chooses the internet over Planet Fitness, I’ve tried shapewear like Spanx (although the cheaper version, what do you think I’m made out of money?) to hide my “unsightly imperfections.”  So while perusing through an issue of Women’s Health that my roommate accidentally subscribed to, I loudly guffawed when I saw an ad of a super fit model wearing shaping shorts. Poo poo and get real.

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Here’s a little look at what the ads should really look like.

Advertisement #1

Scene: Office.  Time: 1:30pm.

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Am I still hungry or did I eat too much?  This must be gas.  Am I dying?  This was a mistake.  Pencil skirts must have been made by Satan himself.

I have tried wearing shapewear a handful of times to work and have regretted it every time.  Why haven’t I learned my lesson?  Why wasn’t I taught to learn better?  Who’s in charge of this?  I want my money back.

Advertisement #2

Scene: Hotel Room/Apartment after a wedding.  Time: 1:55am.  With: Hopefully no one.

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And I owe it all to you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you *cue House beats*

Don’t ever think it’s a good idea to “try all the vodka drinks you can think of” because it’s an open bar.  What kind of person does that you ask?  An eighteen year old bridesmaid that’s who.  Some say youth is wasted on the young.  I say, where did my daggone glasses go..?

Advertisement #3

Scene: Restaurant/Bar. Time: 1:30 am.  With: That guy.

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One more pint and I’m cutting these things off in the bathroom.

This guy’s alright.  Is it worth it?  These giant red indentations from the elastic aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.  I’m thinking… swipe left.  Tomorrow will be a better day.